I hate to be that writer. You know, that one. The one that is always talking about her revelations or her epiphanies, or new life hacks without any talk smacks. But unfortunately for all of you, this blog started during a learning year. I’m very young but during my short life I’ve come to see a pattern. There are learning years and living years. Last year was a living year. And oh, did I live. I saw new things, tried new things, bought new things, and spread my wings. But this, this fledgling year has proven to be a bit of a roller coaster for me. And not a six flags roller coaster, a valley fair roller coaster. An emotional closemyeyessotight, holdonfordearlife, holyshitisthisthinggoingtobreak? kind of roller coaster. Understand that this is not me bitching about my year, this is me trying to comprehend it. What I have come to understand is that the challenges I am facing in my life right now are here to put my character to the test.
Claire has chosen the beautiful theme of Energy for us to ponder on, and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Without oversharing, [whatever that means coming from a blogger] I will say I am dealing with some dark, familial turmoil. And that’s family business, but what it has made me do is look very deep into my soul to understand the type of person I am, the type of energy I send out. I want to be a woman who has pride in herself without pride of herself. As a self-proclaimed poster child for Leo's, pride is something I constantly battle with, because pride is an ultimate double-edged sword. In its purest and least harmful form, pride for oneself is beautiful and with it comes self satisfaction, confidence, happiness, and all that other good stuff that heats those warm and fuzzies. But pride has a dark side. It can also bring complacency, selfishness, self-righteousness, and a slew of other side effects that can skew one’s moral compass in their favor. Worst of all, pride leaves little room for compassion. When left untreated, pride becomes a 2:1 ratio to empathy and in terms of relationships, that is a dangerous cocktail. I want my energy to speak for itself, and the only way for me to achieve that is to couple my pride with a heaping dose of humility.
Humility is nature’s cure-all for humanity. Personally speaking, there is no greater realization than the fact that I. Ain’t. Shit. And don’t get me wrong, in many ways, i am the shit. But I’m not greater than you. Or him. Or her. Or them. I believe there is a very fine line between loving yourself and loving yourself too much. And i cross it. I cross that shit daily. But each time I cross that line from having pride, and being proud, I etch away at my relationships. My energy then fails to honor yours and that is not what we are here for. Life is not a question of figuring out how to indulge my delusions of grandeur. Life is about using all of our unique rays of light that make us incredible to shine them on one another.
I am not perfect, but what I am is accountable. I am becoming a woman who listens to her intuition. An intuition that reflects and honors my values. A woman who knows that when i feel guilty, it is because i am wrong. And when i don’t, i have done my best. There is such a freedom to be found in letting go of my concern with others thoughts about me, but only after i take full responsibility for my actions. I need to continually remember to get off my high horse, but stay in the saddle and never forget to harness that goddamn pride.
Now let’s get Stevie out of jail.